The conflict of being brave and visible is this: Be visible. Let yourself be seen. boldly. And be judged for it.

The conflict of being invisible is this: Stay safe. Let a part of yourself fade into the shadows. Live a lie. Know you could have been more. End up on a couch with a long list of regrets and unplucked chin whiskers because you have no self respect left.

Seth Godin sums it up nicely. He asks would you rather be judged or ignored? (I would reply, it depends when you ask me.)

Do you believe in something enough that you’re actually willing to be judged for it? Because if you’re being judged you’re being brutally true and in your authenticity, you are different and contentious.

People like to judge because it helps them know who they are. It really has nothing to do with you.

You do the planet no good by shrinking into same-ness and there is nothing more annoying than a brilliant person who needs constant positive reinforcement. (This, I have discovered, is the burden of self doubt on others).

And while I’m at it…

You gotta stop using others to justify playing small. When you compare yourself to another you’re not really seeing them, or yourself. You’re just feeling the energy of comparison. Imagine a camel licking your face. I think comparison feels like that.

Life will sometimes feel like there’s a mighty gap between being invisible and visible but that’s ok because it’s in the gap called ‘friggin scary’ the magic happens.

So ask for a raise, say ‘I love you’, make friends with an intriguing stranger, do an interview, start a blog, wear an outfit that expresses who you are inside, share your expertise.

May we all be loved and judged for who we are. May we at least be honest.

I dare you to brag in public. Write yours below and share with me. Here’s my brag ‘I did an interview and I believe it was pretty good.’ (Note modesty still present in that statement. Being visible is scrunchy.)

So you’re on your sex-sual journey and you’re starting to build your confidence. Now there’s only one human-sized hurdle: the difficult question of how exactly to involve your partner in the journey if they are shy, closed or worried that your sexual evolution might mean the end of your relationship as the world knows it.

The great thing about being in a committed relationship is you have time.

The not so great thing is we are all resistant to change and  often in a long term relationship, we like to keep our partners as we know them – safe and familiar.

If your timid partner is used to having sex with you in your flannel nighty and suddenly you jump into bunny ears and a lacy one-sy , they may not know what to do with you except shut down in existential crisis.

Or to them, your new boldness could signal one step into a dark realm of underbelly activities and unpredictability. One minute you’re in a lacy one-sy and the next obvious step is polyamory in a commune.

What to do will depend on who you’re with but here are some ideas to start with:

Intellectualise it

Talking about sex is always easy when it’s a topical debate or a hearty intellectual discussion that  requires almost zero vulnerability. It’s a great lead in and a good way to gauge your partner’s comfort zone. For example, it’s safe to talk about how that guy in Shortbus did that to himself or the similarities between bonobo and human sexuality but not in great detail…yet.

So take them to a lecture, or watch a documentary  or a performance that deals with sexual themes and then discuss over chocolate cake.

You: So what did you think of that?

Them: Good

You: How do you think the sexual climate of the 21st century differs from Victorian Times?

Them: Um

You: I mean do you really think we’ve come much further than the sexual revolution in the 60s?

Them: Um

You: The main difference is the internet.

Them:  Downs a stiff drink

You: Isn’t it weird that society in general still finds sex and intimacy so hard to talk about just like 1870?

Them: Yeah, well I guess we didn’t talk about it much at home.

Bullseye!

Pretend you are so comfortable with all this stuff even if inside you’re dragging yourself across the length of a football field. Which brings me to the next point…

Make them feel safe by feeling safe yourself – even if you have to fake it.

It’s like they say on planes: attend to your own oxygen mask first so you can be of service to others.

If you are awkward and timid, they will be timid. Take charge like the adult because when someone is blocked and not able to express themselves they are taking on a child-like role.

As kids and adolescents we didn’t really know how to express our true feelings except by acting up. One way we acted up was to be grumpy and not say anything or to get really really mad. If your partner reverts to prepubescent communication when it comes to sex, be kind. Not everyone grew up talking about their feelings. Men in particular did not necessarily grow up having intimate conversations like women. So keep it playful until you develop the trust and skills to take it deeper.

Use humour to normalise it.

When you feel safe, the conversation doesn’t feel like two nervous virgins on a blind date. When you are comfortable  in your sexuality you can chirp away happily, normalising the whole experience for the other.

Normalisation is so important and after-all when you realise the spectrum is mighty, we’re all beautifully weirdly normal. (And when weird becomes harmful it’s usually because the person has been made to feel abnormal throughout their life)

If shame is present there is not much room for anything else.

So tease and play and don’t take it all so damn seriously. If you make it heavy no wonder it’s intimidating.

Make yourself feel safe by practicing alone

Practice being a liberated sexual being alone. Use your personal pleasure time to imagine asking for what you want, to learn how to use your voice and cultivate deep love and respect for your sexuality. Get good at speaking and exploring what you want so that you are specific and not general when it comes to guiding a partner. Your comfort and confidence will really, really help.

Don’t let anyone else hinder your sexual journey.

Your satisfaction and development doesn’t need to move along with your partner. If you love your partner but they’re not able to meet you just yet, keep working on yourself and use your intuition to bring them in bit by bit based on where they’re at.

Want to learn more? Come to Pleasure Ed 28/29 June in Melbourne

I have never wondered what it would be like to be a party planner with a clipboard and small feverish assistant running behind me but for the sake of an extended metaphor and a story, let’s pretend that’s what I am.

It’s nearly winter solstice time in the Southern Hemisphere…

Winter Solstice is considered by many to be the rebirth of a year and since we don’t have many rituals in our culture, it seems like the perfect opportunity to hire a party planner.

……………………………………………………………..

We meet for a cup of exotic Chinese tea that tastes quite disgusting but we are both too polite to say anything and then after some pleasantries, you get to the point.

“What could I do for  Winter Solstice?” You seem strung out like you’ve been planning this for months and there’s so much confusing information put out there by hippies and also Oprah.

I close my eyes and turn my attention inward, my pen automatically writes words on my clipboard. I give a knowing smile. Suddenly in the Chinese tea shop I jump onto my chair.

“I think you should have a party or at least a gathering,” I pronounce excitedly (this has never been suggested  before.)

“You could also buy some pine scented oil, get all your guests to wear a reindeer jumper or the equivalent and play Bing Crosby (as a warm up.) I would definitely serve mulled wine.

(I am getting visibly excited…my glasses are fogging)

“And you have to have a ritual. I love a good ritual. Tell your guests to bring two objects…. representing what they want to let go of and what they would like to keep alive.

“Present them over dinner. Take all the  unwanted objects and do a ceremonial disposal. Put all the other objects into the centre of the dining table.”

“But I want to burn things,” you say.

“I was getting there!” I reply impatiently because you stole my idea.

Get each person to write the meaning of the object on a piece of paper and BURN the paper,” I say. Pleased with myself.

Being a lover of handouts and worksheets, after dinner get your guests to read out their answers to the following… I’ve made you a PDF at no extra cost.

Lastly after you’ve gotten through all the deep and meaningfuls,  do something FUN. Preferably with wind in your hair. If you can’t go on a swing, ride a rollercoaster or jump on a trampoline, put some music on and stomp it out.”

…………………………………………….

So there you go; winter solstice ala moi (in an alternate reality).

It’s not what you do, it’s how you do it. So set your intention and clear stuff out in order manifest the new.

1976 (ish). Born

 And then I remember…

White bunnies in a cage at kindergarten. Me. A boy. Brown hair. A kiss.

 And then…

In the back of Dad’s red truck. The boy next door. Legs everywhere. Imitating what I’d seen on Knight Rider. I like this feeling

 And then…

A cave. A few kids from school. Curiosity.

French Kissing in the USA. Tongues. The most discusting thing ever. I spat all the way home.

 And then…

It’s called S.E.X. It comes with a warning: underage pregnancy and diseases. Best you don’t even think about it. Only ‘sluts’ are sexually expressive and apparently that’s a very! bad! thing!.

 And then…

Not thinking about it. Won’t ask about it. Making cup cakes. Not thinking about it. Well maybe just a peak at the dirty chapters in mum’s novels. The boys call me ‘tight’ and ‘frigid’ because I won’t go past first base when all my friends do.

 And then…

Tagging in the girls’ toilets about my best friend: ‘Rebecca is a slut.’

 And then….

Orgasms. Suddenly there’s something called an orgasm. Now I’m working in theatre. And everyone’s having them…loudly and proudly and even though I want one, I’m uptight…I’m embarrassed. Shy.

 And then…

Everyone’s having an orgasm except me. It’s not happening. Something must be wrong with me. I begin to wear the label: ‘in-orgasmic’ like a sticker on a GE apple. Something is not right about this apple…

 And then…

(By now I’ve been around a bit. Seen some things…)

I’m sitting in a movie theatre with a boyfriend, watching a sex scene where the woman is moaning within two seconds of being touched and I’m thinking ‘what the fuck is going on, is that a human woman? Should I be doing that? Is my clitoris on vacation?’

 And then…

I go home with a lover, who squeezes my boob, followed by a little rub here or there and I think ‘when’s it going to get here, where’s my orgasm?’ instead of saying ‘whoa slow down there lover, this is what I need‘ (because I’m too shy and I don’t want to look like a ‘slut’ and by now I’m really angry with that word.)

 And when I don’t orgasm again, I think, ‘that’s it. I’m certified in-orgasmic.’

I wish I could teleport back in time.

This is what I’d say to me:

(in the persona of a fairy godmother)

Me. Mature. Sitting at a bar drinking martini straight up, maybe in New York. Withered hands. Blue eye shadow. False eyelashes. Could be scary.

“Listen daaarling. You are orgasmic. Top shelf certified orgasmic. You just think you’re not which means you’re waiting for it to NOT happen, plus because you don’t know what to do, you’re not telling your partners what to do ….so of course you can’t let go!

“Did you know you can be orgasmic with a hysterectomy, you can have no feeling in your lower body and be orgasmic, you can be orgasmic and not even be born. Yup! (I’d be way too classy to say ‘yup’ but anyhow..)

“All you need is time, a sense of safety, love and practice.

“You’re anatomy is intelligently wired to give you options.

“You may even be having little orgasms (an aside: this is often the case with clients who come to see me) but expectation, comparison, shame, repression and performance anxiety all dull sensation, keep you out of the present and hold your pleasure down. Sexual energy can’t rise under a heavy load.

“Screw all those patriarchal puritans who gave the vagina a bad name daaarling.

“ Pleasure is your birthright.

“Women may have been liberating themselves since the ’60s but still, when do we ever see ‘female sexuality’ and ‘power’ in the same sentence?

“Now daaarling. Do me a favour and call me a cab. I have a date with a Sultan.”

( I would never date a sultan for the record. Apparently, they throw people for a sport.)

 AND THEN

I am determined.

I am rebelliously on a mission.

I want to shed all the cultural and social ideas about sexuality that aren’t mine.

And then…

I feel angry…about everything.

And then…

I begin to feel perplexed by the collective shame that so many people feel about the nature of their sexuality but continue to hold in place.

I collect stories and information like a thirsty woman lost in the Sahara.  I begin to realise how utterly normal I am – sexual expression is as vast and diverse as there are faces on the planet.

And then…

With determination, a sense of righteousness and self love, I begin my crusade towards more pleasure.

And then one day, it all fell into place.

And now….

I’m the ‘experienced’ woman you’d hope to meet in bar if you needed to talk about sex, minus the blue eye shadow and withered hands. Minus New York. (Oh well, can’t be perfect.)

So I want to know… how determined are you to rise above sexual negativity?

How determined are you to accept yourself radically, to treat your body as sacred and to release all the old stories you carry around?

 Please allow yourself to be where you are without needing to be like anyone else…

Don’t listen to the messages around you. Just listen to you.

Can you have amazing sex without orgasm? Absolutely – amazing sex is based on connection and pleasure above all else. So don’t judge yourself when it doesn’t happen. What did you enjoy about the experience?

Does orgasm make you more of a woman? No! (Say it with me) No No No.

And…without placing too much emphasis on the goal, is it possible for you (who claims to be in-orgasmic) to orgasm…yes! It! Is!

Don’t be afraid of your desire, because you beautiful woman, it’s friggin natural.

If I were a superheroine (read: rescuer) my advertising copy would read: Oi hot stuff! You got  problems. Back away and leave them to me!

So when I got a mopey email from my bro, I took it as an invitation to do my ‘job’. I jumped straight into my spandex and faster than a speeding yogi, I passionately wrote him my best advice.

I admit, I felt good about myself. I’m a good person, I thought.

….Until that night in bed when I started to feel uneasy. I’d spewed all my advice into an email without permission. My inner brain looked like this: (!!!!!!! fuck fuck fuck hot man oh! word association. Back to psycho Dr Phil) I couldn’t sleep. I’d made this mistake before.

Even though he’d told me his problems, I began to worry my advice was OTT. Was I unconsciously using his problems to make myself feel like a smarty-pants?

Sure enough, the next morning I awoke to an email: ‘Olivia when you give me advice all the time you make me feel like I have problems. For the sake of our relationship you have to stop’. (Close computer, head in hands, one final utterance of an expletive. No hot men in sight.)

This was one of the biggest teachings of my life. (And one I still have to remind myself of)

Dear advice givers, helpers, fixers and problem solvers with huge hearts. I know you want to help and do your best…

But (and I say it with love followed by a gently swat)

 It’s arrogant. Their problems are not for anyone else to solve.

And

In reality:

You can’t solve them.

And

You’re making them weaker.

Mostly what people want is to be deeply heard and understood

And

…to know they are not the only ones who feel loneliness or overwhelm or a secret desire to punch their lover in the face with a shoe sometimes or extreme guilt over wanting to lock their screaming child in a closet for the night.

They want to know that you get it; that you also want to throw shoes or hide in a closet occasionally.  They don’t want to feel like a useless, incapable pariah who can’t sort it out for themselves.

I’ve been on all sides of the fixer problem.

I have a wonderful, caring partner who knows every answer to my woes and sometimes I just want him to shut up so I can simply be witnessed in my dilemma without feeling like ‘a person with problems‘ who needs to think through a solution or hurt his feelings when I tell him to STOP SOLVING MY PROBLEMS SO I CAN HAVE THE SPACE TO BE MISERABLE BECAUSE IT FEELS STRANGELY GOOD!

I know, I know…. sometimes you want the other person to get over it already and so instead of listening and being present, you impatiently jump into superhero mode. You know what they need. What’s more, they can implement your genius strategy NOW.

But maybe your vision is not theirs and maybe what you think they need has nothing to do with their values or wishes.

I expect them to LOVE my solutions and I hope to fly away leaving them relieved, but I’ve come to realise this ain’t Gotham City and no one likes a projecting perfectionist with too much to say.

The best thing you can do is be present.

Be with them.

Quietly.

And breathe.

If your tendency is to jump in, soften your belly to create a softening in your mind and heart.

Softness precedes listening.

And when the time comes to speak, for the love of  friendship don’t tell them to stop crying or to calm down (because you don’t want to fail at being a superherione.) They need to cry and it’s good to cry. So grab tissues and if appropriate put your hand on them as comfort.

 When it’s time for you to speak the best thing you can say is

 ‘I totally get it. I’ve experienced something similar. It sucks. I know’.

And if you have never experienced what they’re going through, the best thing you can say is ‘I hear you. This is rough for you I can see that.’ And just be present for them.

When it’s your cue to problem solve, give them the responsibility by saying:

Is there anything I could say or do to help you right now?

And then instead of solving it, ask them a question that empowers them ‘What do you think we/you could do about this.’

 And if you want to give advice ask permission first.

If they are constantly hounding you for advice but never listening, the way I handle it is by affirming their ability ‘I can’t answer that for you. I think you know what to do. I know you’re strong enough to figure this one out’.

That way, your advice can never be misconstrued and they can never blame you or become overly dependent.

What I’ve learnt is you have to trust that people can handle the stuff they’re given. They’re on their path and it’s their lesson to learn.

Most importantly, you catalyse a realization of their own strength and wisdom.

….And isn’t that what friends are for?

I’m totally happy to take off spandex. It doesn’t breathe very well anyway. It’s waaaay too much pressure.

Say I have a ten year goal to fly into outer space.

So I spend the next decade training. I’m so desperate to get up there because I’ve heard it’s mind blowing and until I put on that very hot, white bubble suit I am not yet a real woman.

Then finally the day arrives and I graduate. The rocket goes up  - BUT I’m so obsessed with the problem of how to pee upwards and avoid peeing on myself that I miss the ride.

Then I come down and that’s it. Finito. By now the other guy at the wheel is asleep and all I’m left with is vertigo, a jar of pee and a bubble suit I’ll never wear again.

(Could I possibly extend that metaphor any further? Why yes. But I shall not.)

How many orgasms, what kind of orgasms, am I non orgasmic, can I be multiple orgasmic, cosmigasmic blah blah blah

When it comes to orgasms, we are asking the wrong question.

Here’s a better one:

How much pleasure am I willing to receive?

If your main focus is on the goal; how easily you have orgasms (and how often) you’re missing the point of your sexuality which is to experience pleasure in the body for the play of it. Culturally we’re so focussed on results and everything happening yesterday that we miss the actual journey part.

I blame porn followed closely by Hollywood (this scene for example) . (Secretly love that scene, I must admit.)

Media paints a very particular picture of female orgasm that could be depressing…if you believed in it.

No offense to men but the a a a a A A A A AHHHH stereotype is a very porno, male-centric model whereby sex should go like this: a bit of foreplay, leading to intercourse and then all going well, both partners (if not just the man) climax and collapse on top of each other in a hazey malaise.

I find it challenging to coordinate a dinner date let alone an orgasm.

(Oi! F! Take me on a date!)

For lasting satisfaction, foreplay IS the play. Studies show that in 75% of couples where the male is impotent, the women are oh so happy! They get enough pleasure and attention from a partner who really wants to please. Intercourse itself is a small part of the whole experience.

Let there be no heirarchy or goal!

Let there be pleasure! (crowd roars)

But we need to be able to receive.

That means not worrying if lover is getting tired being down there, no tightening up when your legs are parted, no positioning yourself so your flabby bits don’t hang…no… we need to relax and tune right in. And if you can’t relax with your partner…well…we gotta talk about that honey.

And if you feel inadequate because you’re not getting ‘there’, you don’t owe anyone an orgasm. Not even yourself. You owe yourself presence and pleasure.

Aaaand…

A beautiful and connected experience in your body.

The moment of orgasm is short lived compared to the potential journey. So ditch the goal, focus on pleasure and you might just end up in outer space without even trying.

 Want to hear more? Of course you do! Join me for Pleasure Ed in Melbourne June 29/30 Only 12 Spots!

pic http://www.flickr.com/photos/germeister/124141561/

You want enlightenment, ecstatic orgasms or a million dollars. Fair enough.

So you go to gurus, bars, yoga class, different countries and shave your head or get a tattoo….but every time you find a glimmer of truth, you unearth more stuff to deal with.

Well good. You shouldn’t want all the answers immediately….no daaarling.

Say I’d gotten life all worked out (which of course I have, this is just hypothetical)  it would be like a rom com plot where the ‘guy gets the girl’ within the first 30 seconds. The rest of the film portrays their boring domestic bliss in slow motion for 87 years without even a tragic death scene while I throw crappy organic parsnip chips at the TV cursing because I didn’t get to laugh and cry at the same time, curl up the fetal position and go to sleep happy.

(Ahem) Cue philosophy:

The Tantric view says that 3/4 of the world is hidden – always. This means that no matter how much work you do there will always be something new to uncover while the majority remains hidden from view.

You will never be finished understanding who you really are. Just as the universe itself is NEVER done. It’s always manifesting.

All we are ever trying to do is unearth more potential, more light;…like prolonging the ending of the best indie rom-com ever written because there’s an original brilliant, dramatic plot that keeps unfolding…

So rather than seeking answers and endings…

Your actual task is to ask better questions!

Here are examples of better questions

- What is the limit to the pleasure I will allow myself?

- Why don’t I just ask?

-  Is my fear real?

- How would I like to be remembered?

- What will I never repeat?

- Who is observing the observer in me?

Life isn’t about the answers, it’s about the questions. 

If you’re terrified of having a vulnerable conversation – print me out and put me in your back pocket!

This is for you if you’re secretly unsatisfied, if you’re stewing on the inside but loving on the outside. This is for you if you don’t want to appear demanding or needy but the truth is you have needs and desires.  And this is for you if you are terrified of messing things up because difficult words don’t come out easily. You don’t want to be hurt or do the hurting but ya just gotta say it!

Here it is. A script.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about [.....] and I’d like to (make a time to) talk with you about it. Cool? When is a good time for you?

Sometime later…
My reason for wanting to chat with you about this is because I [..........] and I want us to [............].
(This is your loving intention – you want the best for your relationship)

I’m feeling really [.....] because I’m afraid you might think I’m [.....].
Or
Because I’m afraid that you will feel [.....] and I don’t want to mess things up.

(This is your honest vulnerability – the reason why you avoid the conversation)
The truth is, I’ve been feeling [.....] and my thinking around this is probably driving a wedge between us that I’d like to clear up. It’s no ones fault.

Don’t blame but take responsibility for your part in it.
When you say [.....] what I hear is [.....].
When you do [.....] I make it mean [.....].

Make a request (not a complaint)
What I want is [.....].
Or
I’d like it if you’d [.....].

Use ‘I’ statements rather than ‘you’ statements as much as possible.
Then….
Get into their world
What does this bring up for you?
What would you like from me?
Then….

Collaborate
How can we do things differently?

Voila!

Rules of engagement

1. You have leashed anger or blame because you’ve taken the time to consider your part in it (for example – ‘I could have said something sooner’.)
2. No difficult/vulnerable conversations while driving, bonking, pre or post bonking, drinking – as much as you might want a calming bevvy, it might end up like this conversation I had a while back.
3. Don’t spring a vulnerable conversation on someone or they will definitely attack the attacker
4. Sometimes it’s better to get out of your usual environment – like go to a park
5. If they get on the defense – try to get in their space – subtext…what’s the subtext! Don’t make it all about you…it takes two and you know it so ask them about how they feel about the topic and what they want.

I hear it all the time. I speak it all the time. I’m teaching it all the time…‘Be open, just stay open’

The ‘be open to whatever’ concept is a thrown-around phrase – an easy way to solve any problem.

When life is going well, being open is easy.

 But what about when it’s not?

What about when things don’t go as you’d hoped.

What about when, for example, you can’t find work for months or the baby you desperately want won’t get made or you’re living with pain… or life pushes back with little things like biking up hill in a hailstorm and then a woman at a call centre is rude to you because her boss is rude to her and this all happens in one day. Or an end comes and life as you know it shatters.

Can you stand in the face of life’s dark moments and say YES, ok.  I can take all this and more.

Tantra would say you’ve gotta say YES…radically YES to all of it.

Can you imagine every cell and the space between pulsing open and breathing it all in because…

you… are… not… a…. victim.

No, if you truly work your intention you are exactly the opposite. But you can’t be unconscious. Make yourself the conscious author of your story. How are you going to tell it?

You have to stand like an ancient heroine and rise up to the challenge.

You have to remember your lineage and all your experience and the sheer miracle of being a ‘you’ – grown from a single cell.

 Go ahead, think of what’s worrying you and instead of contracting in worry, breathe and open up to it. Make space for it in your body so there’s more OPENNESS than worry and the charge dissipates. Lift your chest up to the world and receive. You can handle all of it and more.

And maybe you want to raise your fists at the universe and scream ‘why are you doing this?’  Or maybe you want to stay in your womb-like bed for a day, a week or much more like a hibernating bear that comes out in the spring.

Well I say if you’re going to go down that route you have to say YES to that too. Because when you say YES then closing down becomes useful. It becomes something you can live in for a while to see how it feels so that maybe you might want to open again.

But (and I’m sure this is true) if you sleep your way through it or run away, you’ll miss out on it all. You’ll miss out on all the unpleasantness but also the pleasant experiences too.

This is your life, as it is… now. I’m told by many an old person, you don’t want to miss this ride. The story isn’t done, there’s more to come.  So….and I’m going to say it in earnest;

Rise up and stay open.

Be a conscious author and tell the story like someone who’s making it through.

Hope KNOW that it will get better.

Question that landed in my inbox: I’ve been single for 10 years…how do I change this!

Fabulous. Give me a cocktail and a bowl of peanuts I will talk all night about love. So! For the single ladies (and men) seeking connection: trust the process, open up and seek pleasure. (Nothing Freudian in that whatsoever).

And…before I even start, let me lean in and make something clear:

1. I want to make sure you KNOW your worth has nothing to do with which box you tick on an application form because those boxes can go get fucked.

And

2. There is nothing more important that the relationship you have with yourself, cool?

Righty then…

1. Understand your emotional legacy. Are you truly available?

When we’re young, the pursuit of love is fun. But as we get older, caution sets in. (I don’t do 180-degree flips around a standing bar anymore for example. Noooo.) At some point love becomes scary and as much as you might want it, a part of you can’t leap anymore because you might fall, break a heal and hobble away humiliated.

Perhaps in past relationships you were burnt when you finally decided to trust.  Or as a child your parents rejected you for expressing strong emotions.

This rejection pattern is carried forward and we go for the ‘unavailable (wo)man’ (you know the one I’m talking about…the tats, the sporadic communication, it’s hot to boiling then suddenly shockingly cold like diving into the ice pool at a sauna and just like the sauna, you feel compelled to try it again because it was…intriguing and not boring).

Cut Cut Cut!

Stop with pursuing relationships that you know deep down won’t go anywhere. Whether it’s their unavailability or yours…yes yours.  Because if you choose a road that goes no where, you  hit a dead end and this means (exit metaphor) you don’t have to go deep yourself. Chicken

You see if you’re stuck in protection mode, you’ve effectively put yourself behind bars and then you are NOT available. So understand your emotional legacy. Scratch that. Don’t just understand it. Make friends with it, go in for handshake then tackle it to the ground and show no mercy.  Oh and go through a therapy process to help you re-open and trust.

2. Get to know your relationship patterns and change them

Are you always going for the same kind of person? Wasting your time on someone with ‘potential’ and fixer uppers, people with mummy issues, hyper intellects who can’t communicate. Do you get bored after the first 3 months are done….every…time?

Look, be honest are you being swept up in the idea of this person rather than the actual person? Are you repeating a familiar, starting to feel icky, pattern? Go for a different type because the ones you’re attracting aren’t working for you.

Write out the serially offensive qualities that you will no longer tolerate and don’t even flirt with the idea of a relationship with someone that will likely keep the rejection story alive.

3. Let go of your ghosts

Get closure on any past relationships. If you still haven’t let go, you’ll always be comparing and projecting onto potential partners. Grieve, write it out, do a pilgrimage up a mountain, do whatever you need to do and then COMMIT to moving forward. After a divorce, a friend of mine lit a candle every morning as a symbol of her resolve to move forward. She asked for what she wanted…and she got it.

4. Get some healing

It goes something like this…relationship ends, wait for next one to come along, one comes….no good, a bit of a fling here and there, another seems ok, but whoa they’ve got issues, and then a person you met online turns out to be a creep….and then no one – for ages, and ages…and then more ages, for years… and then it seems like the special one will never come because…perhaps there’s something wrong with you, perhaps your not suited for relationships. Fine. Leave me alone. No! I didn’t mean it. 

If you’ve been out of a relationship for a while, no doubt you will have picked up new beliefs about your ability to find love. I highly recommend seeing a body worker to undo emotional patterns via the body. My kinesiologist is my go to woman whenever I think unconscious habits might be running the show.

5. Leash your expectations

When it comes to love, having expectations about the perfect partner is like wearing sunglasses at night – you can’t see what’s actually there.  If you’re waiting for The One who feels just right, there isn’t just One and they’re often different to your expectations. Suspend your judgment. Notice if you find yourself thinking about them and wanting to hang out more, if not, say ta ta – make room for someone else. Also (this one comes from F because I know you know this)…don’t turn up wondering if you’re about to meet the father/mother of your children…it’s just a date.

6. Don’t leave it to fate but also…go old school and don’t be a chaser.

If you’re an under- dater then you have to get out more and be proactive in your approach. However, ultimately let them pursue you. Yes absolutely take the lead sometimes but in the beginning let the man (for the sake of the metaphor, it’s a man ok?) tap into his caveman nature. Ancient man, with his balls hitched up in an animal skin loved a good chase. And so does modern man. (And YES I hate gender coding and I’m a feminist and find this concept contentious but I experimented and for me…it worked.)

7. Diversify – like any investment

If you hang out with similar people, you’ll meet the same lot…right? Try something completely new and random. The other night I went to a breakdancing class….it was definitely different for me. Oh and also, the other day I was sitting at a long table in a cafe waiting for a guy who I’d never met to have a business meeting. I introduced myself to someone who I thought might be him. I asked him if he was Matt. He wasn’t, but I thought, what a brilliant strategy!

8. Write it out, envision it.

Do you know exactly what you’re looking for? Write it down as if you were describing the person and most importantly how they make you feel. Also use visualization, see youself happily in a relationship and FEEL it. See it in hypercolour.  Do this for 10 minutes or until you start to feel the tingle of excitement in your belly.

You want to feel connection and love. What else can you do to feel those things?

Do the things that make you truly truly happy, always lean into pleasure and hilarity, move your furniture. Do whatever it takes to make your thinking attractive so you become magnetic.

9. Trust the process and/or fly to Spain

During my single years, if I felt low, I’d repeat to myself something like ‘I trust the universe has something in store for me. I trust the flow of my life. I’m exactly where I need to be and when love comes in, I’ll be ready.’ This statement comforted me. I like to think there is a grand plan and logically it would be near impossible for me to be single for the rest of my life – especially if I were to fly, say, to Spain where men (with long hair and mobile hips) seem to be everywhere and readily available.

 Of course the most rewarding and challenging relationship is the one you have with yourself.

10. Be the one you love

God what a cliche – I hear you say.

Well…let me repackage it differently.

I want to know if you love your company. I want to know if you’d want to be with you. Love is an unscrupulous mirror and so if we don’t love who we are then how can someone else? For a start we’d always block their attempts at loving us; we’d question their motives or become worried if we hadn’t heard from them in a few days. We’d expect them to leave, not call or let us down.

Love starts with you…got that? Always.

Recommended reading: Getting to Commitment by Steven Carter

Got a question about life, sex or love? Send it on through…info@courageousyogi.com